Who knew that a stroll down aisle five in the grocery store on a beautiful fall day would also take me on a stroll down memory lane. As I paused in front of the candy corn and pumpkin bowls stacked on the shelves, visions of Halloweens past came flooding back. Trick or treating with my friends is one of my favorite childhood memories, not only because it was fun to see how much candy I could get into the faded white pillow case that I used to collect my treats, but because for a few hours I could pretend to be someone other than myself. We would run from house to house in our neighborhood begging for treats and many people did not even recognize us until we removed our masks and revealed who we really were.

As I moved up and down the aisles, I reminisced about those younger days and my lack of confidence and self-esteem. Something as simple as wearing a costume and a mask for a few hours on a brisk night in October allowed me to bury myself under the image of a superhero in order to portray a different version of myself. Compensation for childhood insecurities is one thing, but growing up doesn’t necessarily change the process.

I attended a leadership conference last year and the keynote speaker was walking around and mingling in the audience. At one point, he stopped by me and asked, “Who are you? Describe yourself to me.” Trying not to be nervous and drawing on my sense of humor, I replied, “Well I am not going to tell you my weight or age, but my name is Judi; I am a nurse, a mother, a widow. But before I could continue, he stopped me and said, “No, no, those are all roles you have or masks that you put on and take off as you need them. I want to know who YOU are without all those labels.” Do you know how difficult it is to describe yourself without all the roles, responsibilities and labels we carry with us and use to describe ourselves?

Peter Fuda from the Harvard Business Review reminds us of the familiar story of “The Phantom of the Opera” where the Phantom wears a mask to conceal his physical imperfections despite the fact that it is very obvious the mask is not real. He applies this metaphor of wearing a mask to maintain a façade rather than revealing the true person behind the mask to authentic leadership.

He says the reason people put on a mask and take on a new persona at work is because of the perceived inadequacies and flaws they feel they have to hide or the image they feel they have to project in order to fit the definition of success. Of course we all just can’t walk around expressing our feelings and emotions all day; we can be strong during a difficult meeting and humble when being evaluated but as Nelson Mandela said, “You can lead from the front or you can lead from the back but the real leader shows up as his true self no matter his position.”

But what about our day to day lives outside of work? Have you ever been in a room full of people smiling and having a conversation yet feeling a sense of aloneness? Sometimes wearing an emotional mask is easier than having to reveal our true feelings. I know people on the verge of bankruptcy who still cannot say no to an invitation to an expensive night out for fear of people knowing their true situation. The “keeping up with the Jones’s” mask is a common one and sometimes the price to pay is loss of family and friends. Yet we all do it at some point and to some degree to “save face” so to speak.

But sometimes it is just too hard to keep up the charade. This reminds me of a Halloween story about my younger son. Several years ago my husband passed away and my six, almost seven-year-old son was devastated. Rob died in September so Halloween was just seven weeks after his death and Adam was filled with grief. I tried to get him to go trick or treating with his friends in order to have some fun and laugh a little bit, but he struggled with having fun while he hurt so much. Finally, he told me, “I will go but I don’t want to wear a costume or a mask. I just want to be me.” It was too hard for him to try to be someone he wasn’t just to fit the occasion.

Brand name clothes, whiter teeth, designer purses; we are bombarded with advertisements each day telling us why possession of these products makes us more acceptable members of society. When my sons were young and I was a single mom, they both were teased because they had generic shoes versus the popular brand. I found myself cutting other things in our budget to be sure they both had everything their classmates had in order to fit in. I worked extra shifts which took time away from my family in order to afford the things the other kids had so my sons could be like everyone else. Or at least give that perception. I wore a full mask of deception in order to project what I thought we should appear to be.

So what masks do you wear on a daily basis? Do you sacrifice who and what you are in order to meet perceived expectations? And whose expectations? Everyone else’s? Yours? Masks undermine trust and effectiveness and create inner conflict. And as Rumi so eloquently said, “Tear off your mask. Your face is glorious.”

So maybe this Halloween season is a good reminder for us to reflect on how we perceive and present ourselves both personally and professionally, and maybe take the advice of a grieving six-year-old boy who could not bring himself to be someone he wasn’t and “just be yourself.”

I would like to close with a poem by Sal Silverstein simply called “Masks.”

She had blue skin

And so did he

He kept it hid and so did she

They searched for blue

Their whole life through

They past right by—

And never knew.

So at the Heart of it All, this glorious thing called life is too short to mask the unique and wonderful person you were meant to be.

Peace be with you.