I was raised with that old German adage of work and commitment that assumed you did what you were supposed to do when you said you would do it. Vince Lombardi once said, “Most people fail, not because of lack of desire, but because of lack of commitment” and I have lived many years with that as a foundation for my life. I was the one who was never late, did what was expected of me and kept my promises; well, most of them! What wasn’t produced by commitment was generated by that old catholic guilt and it got me through life pretty well.
In 2016, I began this blog because of my love for writing and a belief that I had some life experiences to share. My goal was to publish a posting every month or two to keep the site current, but in July, I fell short of my commitment. Just recovering from a serious ankle injury, I sold my house, purged many of my belongings, lived with generous friends until my condo was available and moved just a few months ago. During this time, I neglected my writing because of this series of occurrences but that nagging guilt about commitment lingered in my daily thoughts. “Should of, could of, would of” was my mantra and I wore that guilt veil well. Every day that went by and I did not get to my writing, I was disappointed in myself and my lack of fulfilling my commitment. I have a habit of being my own worst enemy and worrying about trying to keep everything and everyone happy.
Then a funny thing happened. I attended a workshop titled “Self-Care.” I thought it might be about doing things like reading a book or getting a massage, but the message was much deeper than that. The speaker talked about our “monkey brain;” the chatter that we hear every day and the thoughts that come and go in our mind. The human brain produces approximately 70,000 thoughts on an average day and there are 86,400 seconds in a 24 hour day. That means we have a different thought every 1.2 seconds! Wow! No wonder we are exhausted!
The discussion continued around the thought process and how we are programed to think and believe in a certain way, but that way may not be actual reality. We develop our beliefs and thought system as a child from what we are taught or exposed to by others. This information then becomes imbedded into our lives as fact, but that does not mean it is necessarily the truth or what we have to believe as an adult.
We did an exercise that had us close our eyes and picture an old video tape, and then visualize pulling all of the film out of the cartridge and discarding it; leaving us with a blank slate to begin building a new way of thinking. The fact that we do not have to necessarily believe or accept each thought that we have but to just let them pass through our minds without judgment was a new concept for me and it gave me a new perspective to consider. This is how religious, cultural and many other beliefs are passed down generation to generation. What one culture believes is immoral might be totally accepted in another.
Then as I was leaving the presentation with all these new ideas to consider, I ran into a former colleague who was a mentor to me when I first became a manager. As we chatted, I suddenly remembered a discussion we had when I took my first leadership role. She was talking to me about burnout and wanted to give me some advice on how to stay the course and remain positive during stressful times.
“Oaks and willows,” she told me. “Years ago we used an autocratic style which included an expectation that everyone follow the set rules and don’t ask questions; just do what was expected. Just like an oak tree; strong and sturdy but rigid and unwilling to bend in the wind with no room for compromise. Now we know it is more important to be adaptable and use an adjustable style of managing, not only in the workplace, but in our personal lives as well. Each situation is unique and everyone has a different learning style and way of processing things. Circumstances are constantly changing and we must be willing to adapt to them. Like a willow tree; a more supple and malleable approach to each situation with the ability to bend in the storm while remaining firm in the foundation. This is the key to success in your personal and professional life.”
I thought about the two messages I received that day. Self-care is not just going on vacation or getting a manicure once in a while. It is loving yourself first so you can than extend that love to others. It begins with believing that you deserve all good things and that only you are in control of your thoughts and actions. But it is more complicated than just saying it out loud. I read an article once that talked about people having the courage to begin to step out of their comfort zone and try to make changes in their lives only to be criticized for doing so by those around them. They compared it to a yard surrounded by an electric fence in order to keep an animal constrained. They get zapped a few times and then learn to just stay within the boundaries set by someone else. Breaking that barrier is too risky.
We can make every effort to explore different ways of thinking and believing but sometimes the fear of transformation is impeded by familiarity just like that electric fence. It is safer to just remain where we are than to step outside that comfort zone and explore other options. Dr. Steve Maraboli says, “Love yourself enough to take the actions required for your happiness…enough to cut yourself lose from the drama filled past; enough to set a high standard for relationships; enough to feed you mind and body in a healthy manner; enough to forgive yourself; enough to move on.”
Whether it be self-care or oaks and willows; the message is the same. Stay rooted in your foundation but be flexible enough to see things in another way; from another viewpoint. Be open to new ideas and ways of thinking. Be gentle on yourself when things don’t go as you or others thought they should. And when the storms come, and there will always be storms, stay rooted in strength yet bend in the direction of the wind because eventually the gusts will cease. And who knows, life outside those self- inflicted rules and regulations could be more magnificent than you could have ever imagined.
So at the Heart of it All, this glorious thing called life brings us many messages in many forms but none as powerful as our thoughts. As Nishan Panwar says, “Chose your thoughts carefully. Keep what brings you peace, release what brings you suffering, and know that happiness is just a thought away.”